I masturbated every morning for a month and I *highly*
Swear to god one of my managers even commented on my “improved demeanor.”
The second my life becomes remotely stressful, I forget that I have a clitoris. And things have been pretty fuck- ing stressful recently (minus the fucking part). I’ve been working three jobs, taking care of a sick dog, totally exhausted at all times—oh, and the hubs is traveling non- stop. It’s the opposite of horny in every way.
Feeling neglected, my clitoris staged an intervention. “Hey, maybe you should try masturbating every day before work!” she said…or maybe I dreamed that? I mean, once I get home from work, not even serial killers can keep me awake, so that’s not exactly a stretch.
Regardless, I jumped vagina-first at the idea, because if this kind of “self-care” could give me more energy and less angst, then it would truly be worth all the hand workouts.
Monday morning, I busted out my reliable Hitachi Magic Wand, which made me orgasm in minutes because it’s amazing at its job and I was obvi pretty sexually repressed. I felt instant relief and wished I could go right back to bed for a blissful nap.
You know what though? I actually went to work with a clear head, and when one of my bosses snapped at me, I took it in stride, feeling surprisingly zen despite his douchebaggery. (Climaxing: the cure for dealing with dick bosses.)
The rest of the week, I felt like a caj business bitch who was getting hers. I even had phone sex with my husband— unusual for us, since I typically struggle to get over the cheese factor. But as it turns out, feeling sexy makes you feel… more sexy?
I stuck with my Magic Wand (which I thought would get old fast, but no) and continued to crush it at all my jobs. And there was that annual review where my boss noted my recently “improved demeanor.” Could solo sex be the key to world peace? Hmm…
Oh, and when my husband got back from his work trip on Thursday, we had actual sex. Rubbing one out in the morning + having sex in the evening = way easier than I’d thought. Perhaps I’d been psyching myself out about how much effort it really takes.
With my husband gone again, I switched to my Womanizer, a sex toy that simulates oral sex. TBH, I was starting to feel a little like…Woof. Can’t I have a break? But I’m no quitter, and on the scale of terrible things we’re forced to do in life (brush teeth, pump gas, buy expensive serums), well, self- pleasure isn’t even on that scale. It’s like complaining about having to cuddle a pony. It’s still a pony.
Plus, I was seeing major sleep bennies from my new habit: I was finally able to snooze through the Whole. Entire. Night.
The last stretch felt similar to what it’s like when you “have to go to the gym in the morning.”I was all, Hell no! but then dragged myself onto the treadmill(or, you know, my vibrator) and afterward was all, Wow, I’m proud of myself. To get through the grind, I pulled out every orgasmic tool: my hand, dildos, vibes, and the Magic Wand.
You know that glowing skin you get after a sweat sesh? The same applies here. Who needs to burn cals when you can legit just whack it every morning? I live for an endorphin rush.
Masturbating before work for a month didn’t kill my vag or cause my clit to fall off (surprise! At least, I was surprised). It actually reignited my sex drive—my husband and I had sex three times the week after the experiment.
I was happier… and I think healthier too? I mean, I’m not more physically fit (“Alexa, how many muscles does diddling yourself work?”), but I am more chill. Plus, every day started on a high that not even caffeine can replicate. So thank you, my friends, for coming to my TED Talk. Every- one should orgasm (often) in the a.m.
THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOU NEEDED FOR YOUR ~ALONE TIME~
1. A RHYTHM
Don’t just start rubbing your clitoris like you’re applying- ing self-tanner the day before prom. According to research, the four motions that women love most on their vulva are up and down, circular, side to side, and rapid pulsating. Find your favorite.
2. A MASTY PLAYLIST
PSA: Cardi B isn’t reserved for partnered sex only. If you’re one of the 81 percent of readers considering music during solo time, do it. DJ your own crescendo.
Please, please, please invest in some water-based lubricant. The extra liquid makes every touch feel so much better (this got me through week three when I thought it wasn’t possible for my body to produce any more wetness).
4. CUTE UNDIES
When you look good, you feel good, you play good, you do good. Wear a sexy pair to bed so you can wake up in the mood to give your lower parts attention.